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"TWENTY
THINGS I'VE DISCOVERED IN MY TWENTIES"
by Slim Steve
Upon
reaching the more delicate years of his twenties, humble Steve Buncle
takes a reflective look at the discoveries he has made through this
difficult time…
1.
My prostate.
2.
Shoulder hair is not a blessing.
3.
You can be tried as an adult.
4.
Devon.
5.
Condoms have a use by date.
6.
A sabbatical is not a samurai weapon.
7.
It is necessary to lick a fox cub's arse to encourage it to defecate.
8.
Anchovies are a fish product.
9.
February is spelt with two r's.
10.
Washing, pleading, dining, changing bed sheets, and announcing your
imminent death are all worthwhile ways of getting a shag.
10
(b) Sitting through a video of Dirty Dancing is not.
11.
Olives are for decoration only, not consumption. (Surely?)
12.
Sheep are useless on their backs. (Honest, I'll tell you all the
story one day… Though I've probably already told most people - you
know how a few beers can loosen the tongue, so to speak.)
13.
A lump on Lefty. (Unlucky for some).
14.
Never trust a man whose eyebrows meet in the middle. (Or a girl
whose knees meet in the middle).
15.
Fancying female primary school teachers is something you never grow
out of.
16.
Checked shirts never go out of fashion.
17.
Gaining a degree in Theatre and Performance Studies is a sure-fire
way to end up digging holes for a living.
18.
You know you are getting old when you start making lists…
19.
Better out than in.
20.
I have 10 months in which to make a new discovery.
Stay
tuned for Steve's next exciting instalment of this series, 'Thirty
things I've discovered in my thirties…' due on-line by 2011.
The
decade after will see a slightly altered arrangement to this series,
as Steve lists 'Forty things I've forgotten in my forties…'
The
fourth and final series will look at 'Fifty reasons Slim Steve did
not make it to his fifties…'. Here we will find a scathing attack
on our education system, and an appraisal of how it failed to advise
our Steve of the correct way to wire a plug. This final chapter
will be called 'Lord Let the Earth be Brown…' the words of which
will fit sweetly to the tune of 'Brown Car'. (Be warned ladies,
this is bound to be a very emotional number).
More
Things this way...
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